RICHMOND, VA — Area man Derek Hollis, 41, activated an out-of-office auto-reply on April 14, 2023, ahead of a four-day work conference and has not opened his email inbox a single time in the 37 months since, according to colleagues who have largely stopped trying.

The reply, which originally promised Hollis would return on April 19, 2023 and respond “as soon as possible,” has now greeted an estimated 14,000 incoming messages. Hollis describes the arrangement as “basically handling itself.”

“The system is working,” Hollis told reporters from what appeared to be a state of genuine peace. “If something is truly urgent, people find another way. And they do. They always do. That told me everything I needed to know about email.”

“He’s the most unreachable man in the building and somehow the least stressed. It’s either a spiritual discipline or a clinical condition and honestly I can’t tell which.”

His supervisor, Renee Calloway, 48, confirmed that Hollis remains fully employed and has received two performance reviews rated “meets expectations” during the uninterrupted auto-reply window. His department has quietly adapted by texting, calling, or simply walking to his desk, practices Calloway described as “inefficient and also somehow more effective.”

IT has flagged the account three times for inactivity review. Each time, Hollis’s auto-reply responded before IT did.

At press time, Hollis had received a company-wide email announcing a mandatory digital communication audit and replied, instantly, that he was currently out of the office.