AKRON, OH — After 22 years representing Ohio’s 9th Congressional District, Rep. Gerald Foss, 71, announced his retirement last Thursday and almost immediately discovered that, stripped of focus groups and approval ratings, he holds no discernible views on anything.

Foss first noticed the problem at a family dinner the following Sunday when his wife asked whether he preferred chicken or pot roast. According to witnesses, he requested 48 hours to assess the room before answering. By Tuesday he had convened an informal kitchen table task force and commissioned what he described as “informal internal polling” of his two adult sons, whose responses he said were “split and therefore inconclusive.”

His former chief of staff, Dana Kowalski, 44, said the situation was not entirely surprising.

“Congressman Foss was extraordinarily responsive to his constituents,” Kowalski said. “The issue is that he was responsive to all of them simultaneously, which over time is essentially the same as having no position at all.”

“I’ve always believed strongly in whatever the American people believe strongly in. I just need a few more weeks to find out what that is.” — Rep. Gerald Foss (Ret.)

Foss told reporters he remains “cautiously optimistic” about retirement but acknowledged he is still waiting on internal data before committing to an opinion about it. He has not yet determined whether he enjoyed his 22 years in Congress, though early indicators suggest he is “leaning yes, pending a second read of the crosstabs.”

At press time, Foss had taken 45 minutes to select a grocery cart at the Akron Kroger and was overhead asking a stock clerk whether aisle seven’s numbers were trending.