GLENWOOD, IL — Every Saturday morning for seventeen years, I have arrived at Cornerstone Bible Church at 8:15 a.m., retrieved the freshly printed bulletins from the copier tray, and folded each one by hand at the fellowship hall table. Two hundred and twelve bulletins, give or take, depending on whether there is a potluck that Sunday, which historically inflates attendance by thirty-one percent.

I have folded 185,624 bulletins. I have a number for that because I kept track. You are welcome to verify my arithmetic. I have time.

I want to be clear that I find this ministry deeply meaningful. I also want to be clear that I have watched — through the sanctuary glass, from the folding table — what happens to those bulletins. Gerald Weston, 67, takes one, fans himself with it during the sermon, and leaves it on the pew. Donna Khatri, 41, takes two for reasons I have never determined. Children fold them into airplanes, which I find philosophically interesting given that I already folded them correctly.

“Fifty-three percent of bulletins are abandoned in the pew. Fourteen percent go directly into the trash receptacle in the lobby. Eleven percent leave the building and are never seen again. The remaining twenty-two percent I am choosing to believe are read at home, though I have no evidence for this.”

“I don’t actually track that formally,” said Pastor Dale Northrup, 58, when I shared my findings last spring. He then used his bulletin as a coaster during the elder board meeting and did not look at me.

I will be back next Saturday. The bulletins will not fold themselves. I have checked.

At press time, the church had announced it was considering switching to a digital bulletin, delivered by app, and had asked if anyone knew how to “set that up.” I have not responded to the email.