COLUMBUS, OH — A local man’s decision to begin arriving on time to all social engagements has entered its sixth day, leaving Derek Callahan, 38, standing alone in a series of empty venues with nothing to do but check his phone and reconsider his choices.

The experiment began April 19 when Callahan, a project manager and self-described “work in progress,” resolved to take punctuality seriously after a podcast episode he cannot fully remember the title of. He arrived at a birthday dinner at 7:00 p.m. as instructed. The restaurant was empty. The reservation had been made for 7:00. The other guests arrived at 7:48, mid-appetizer, already laughing about something that had happened in the parking lot.

“I sat there for 48 minutes with a bread basket and my own thoughts,” Callahan told reporters. “The waiter checked on me four times. I think he thought I was being stood up.”

“Being on time turns out to be a mostly theoretical concept that nobody has actually operationalized.”

Callahan’s wife, Renee, 36, confirmed the pattern has repeated across a church small group, a Saturday morning hike, and a casual hangout described in the group chat as “around 3-ish.” He arrived at 3:00. The host was still in the shower.

“He’s technically correct about everything,” Renee said. “It’s been a very long week.”

At press time, Callahan had arrived eleven minutes early to a cookout, introduced himself to the neighbor’s dog, and was being handed a spatula by a confused host who had not yet lit the grill.