NAPERVILLE, IL — Janet Kowalski, 44, of Naperville confirmed Tuesday that she has not yet scheduled the dentist appointments she announced she would make “this week,” a promise now entering its third year of active deferment and widely considered the longest-running administrative initiative in the Kowalski household.

The original pledge, delivered with full maternal authority on March 9, 2023, covered all four family members and was described at the time as “seriously happening.” As of press time, no appointment exists in any calendar, digital or physical, for any member of the family. The family dentist, Dr. Phillip Orth, confirmed his office has not heard from the Kowalskis since a cleaning in 2022 that Janet also scheduled “last minute” after a two-year gap.

“I have the number pulled up. I literally just need to press call. This is happening today.”

“She says this every few months,” said Marcus Kowalski, 16, who has developed a mild but technically undiagnosed sensitivity to cold beverages. “At this point I think the dentist is just a story she tells.”

Janet disputed this characterization, noting she had located the dental insurance card as recently as November and had mentally committed to calling “after the holidays.” She estimates the appointments are “90 percent scheduled” based on the strength of her intentions alone.

Greg Kowalski, 47, declined to comment, having learned not to ask follow-up questions about the dentist situation after a 2024 incident he described only as “the car ride.”

At press time, Janet had opened the dental office’s website, confirmed their hours, closed the tab, and texted her sister about something unrelated.