FORT WAYNE, IN — A Fort Wayne woman who agreed to cover the church nursery for a single Sunday eleven years ago has reportedly not attended a full worship service since the Obama administration, sources confirmed this week.

Diane Kowalski, 54, of Cornerstone Bible Fellowship, told reporters she initially agreed to fill in for a sick volunteer in March 2015 as a one-time favor. She is now listed on the master schedule through June, holds a key to the nursery, and owns a personal supply of industrial-grade diaper cream she keeps in a labeled bin.

“I keep meaning to ask someone to take over,” Kowalski said, bouncing a toddler on her hip. “But then a new family shows up and they seem nervous, and I think, well, I can do one more week. That was three pastors ago.”

“The nursery has had more continuity than our worship team, our elder board, and our statement of faith combined.”

Children’s ministry director Paul Gregg, 41, confirmed Kowalski is the longest-tenured volunteer in any department in the church’s 34-year history. He acknowledged no formal offboarding process exists. “We don’t really have a procedure for that,” Gregg said, after a long pause.

Kowalski noted she has heard the same four sermon series announced in the lobby but has not heard the actual sermons. She estimates she has changed somewhere between four and five thousand diapers for the glory of God.

At press time, Kowalski had been informed the nursery was “fully covered” this Sunday and arrived anyway, just to be safe.