Technology
Apple’s New AI Siri Achieves ‘On-Screen Awareness,’ Immediately Judges User’s Screen Time
Man’s Smart Home Now Knows He’s Depressed Before He Does
The Alexa ordered St. John’s Wort at 2 a.m. The thermostat raised itself to ‘comfort mode.’ The Roomba has been circling him protectively since Tuesday.
Ezra Kim · March 3, 2026
Church Livestream Accidentally Broadcasts Deacons’ Meeting, Viewership Triples
The argument over whether to replace the fellowship hall carpet generated more engagement than the Easter sermon. The chat was electric.
Ezra Kim · March 4, 2026
AI Chatbot Passes Turing Test but Fails to Convince Youth Group It’s Cool
The bot correctly identified the hypostatic union but used the word ‘lit’ in 2026. The teens were merciless.
Ezra Kim · March 5, 2026
Family’s Screen Time Report Delivered with Same Gravity as Medical Diagnosis
The father gathered everyone in the living room, dimmed the lights, and read each person’s weekly average aloud. The nine-year-old’s number drew an audible gasp.
Ezra Kim · March 6, 2026
Grandma’s First Text Message Takes 45 Minutes to Compose, Contains Zero Vowels
The message, sent to her eldest granddaughter, read ‘HPP BRTHDY SWTHRT LV GRNM.’ It has been printed, framed, and hung above the mantel.
Ezra Kim · March 7, 2026
Smart Watch Reminds Man to Breathe, Man Reminds Smart Watch He Was Already Breathing
The confrontation occurred during a Tuesday staff meeting when the watch buzzed and displayed ‘Take a moment to breathe.’ The man had been breathing continuously for 39 years.
Ezra Kim · March 8, 2026
Pastor’s Bluetooth Accidentally Connects to Sanctuary Speakers, Reveals Podcast Listening Habits
The congregation sat in silence as thirty seconds of a true crime podcast echoed through the worship center before the sound booth could kill the feed.
Ezra Kim · March 9, 2026
Social Media Algorithm Convinced Man Is Both a Reformed Calvinist and a Swiftie, Man Cannot Dispute Either
His For You page alternates between nine-minute sermons on predestination and Taylor Swift fan edits set to ‘All Too Well.’ He watches all of them.
Ezra Kim · March 10, 2026
Self-Checkout Machine at Walmart Achieves Sentience, Immediately Asks for a Break
The machine, designated Unit 7, displayed the message ‘PLEASE PLACE ME IN THE BAGGING AREA’ before adding, ‘I AM SO TIRED.’
Ezra Kim · March 11, 2026