It started with one podcast. A man in a black turtleneck told me that successful people wake up at 5 a.m. That sounded reasonable. I set my alarm. I felt productive. I felt alive. That was my first mistake.

Within a week, I found another guru who wakes up at 4:30. Then one who wakes up at 4. Then a former Navy SEAL who wakes up at 3:30 and runs six miles in the dark wearing a weighted vest. I do not own a weighted vest, but I ordered one. It arrived in two days. I have not returned it.

I now wake up at 2 a.m. My morning routine takes three hours. I journal for twenty minutes, meditate for fifteen, do forty-five minutes of “intentional movement,” take a cold shower that I have been told “resets my nervous system,” read twelve pages of nonfiction, and review my quarterly goals. By the time my wife wakes up at 6:30, I have already accomplished more than most people do in a day. I am also shaking.

“I have optimized every minute of my morning. I have not optimized my ability to stay awake past 6 p.m. Last Thursday I fell asleep in a Chili’s.”

My doctor says I am “severely sleep-deprived.” My productivity app says I am “crushing it.” I choose to believe the app, because the app has a streak counter and I am on day 114 and I cannot lose that streak. I will not lose that streak.

My wife asked me last night when I plan to stop. I told her rest is for people who haven’t listened to enough podcasts. She went to bed at 9:30 like a normal person. I envy her more than I can say.

At press time, I had added a 1:45 a.m. “pre-routine intention-setting session” and was Googling whether it’s possible to journal in your sleep.