CHANDLER, AZ — Kevin and Sarah Maddox, both 39, reportedly spent the entirety of their first date night in four months discussing their three children, the same children they paid a babysitter $75 to temporarily escape from Saturday evening.

The couple arrived at an Italian restaurant at 6:45 p.m. with what Kevin described as “a firm commitment to talk about literally anything other than the kids.” By 6:48 p.m., Sarah had mentioned that their youngest, Wyatt, 3, “did the funniest thing today,” and the agreement was abandoned.

“We tried,” Kevin told reporters. “I said, ‘Let’s talk about us.’ And Sarah said, ‘Okay, do you think Ella is being too hard on herself about soccer?’ And then it was just over.”

“We spent forty minutes debating whether our eight-year-old needs a therapist or just more outside time. Over bruschetta. It was the most connected we’ve felt in weeks.”

Sarah confirmed the above, adding that the conversation also included a fifteen-minute analysis of their middle child’s reading level, a disagreement about bedtime policy, and a ten-minute stretch where they showed each other photos of the kids that were already on both of their phones.

Their waiter, Marcus Doyle, 26, told reporters he attempted to create a romantic atmosphere by dimming the lights at their table, but the couple did not notice because Kevin was drawing a diagram of a proposed chore chart on a napkin.

The couple called the babysitter twice during dinner. The first call lasted four minutes and was “just to check in.” The second was to ask whether Wyatt had eaten his green beans, a question the babysitter described as “not urgent.”

At press time, the Maddoxes had agreed to schedule another date night next month and were already planning to use it to discuss preschool options.