SAVANNAH, GA — Dorothy Kessler, 74, a retired school librarian and matriarch of the Kessler family, has told all four of her adult children and nine grandchildren that she “doesn’t need a single thing” for her upcoming seventy-fifth birthday, a statement the family has unanimously interpreted as a test they cannot afford to fail.

“She said, ‘Just your presence is enough,’” reported her eldest daughter, Christine Pollard, 51. “She also said that in 2019, and my brother showed up without a gift and she brought it up at Thanksgiving. Both Thanksgivings. She’s still bringing it up.”

The family has convened a group text — one that excludes Dorothy — to coordinate a response. Current proposals include a potted orchid, a scarf from Talbots, and a framed photo collage, all of which Christine says carry “a moderate-to-high risk of being described as ‘too much’ while being privately cherished.”

“The rules are simple. You must get her something. She must say you shouldn’t have. She must not mean it. If you get the wrong thing, you will know, but she will never tell you directly. A neighbor will.”

Grandson Tyler Kessler, 22, who last year gave Dorothy a gift card, reported that she thanked him warmly, placed it in her purse, and later told his cousin it was “a little impersonal, but that’s his generation.”

Dorothy, reached by phone, reiterated that she truly does not want anything and that “the family makes too big a fuss.” She then mentioned, unprompted, that her neighbor Shirley received a handwritten letter from each of her grandchildren for her birthday and “cried for an hour.”

At press time, Christine had purchased the orchid, the scarf, and the collage, noting that “redundancy is safer than regret.”