NAPERVILLE, IL — Todd Brennan, 44, a logistics coordinator and father of two, spent $399.99 on a Weber Spirit II propane grill last May, a purchase he has defended to his wife on no fewer than eleven occasions as “an investment in this family’s quality of life.” The grill has been used twice.

The first use occurred on Memorial Day, when Brennan produced a round of hamburgers he described as “restaurant quality” and his daughter, Hailey, 13, described as “fine.” The second use came in late July, when Brennan grilled a single chicken breast that his wife, Karen, 42, characterized as “aggressively charred on the outside and somehow frozen in the middle.”

“He stands next to it sometimes,” Karen told reporters. “He doesn’t cook. He just opens the lid, looks inside, nods, and closes it. Like he’s checking on a newborn.”

“You don’t measure an investment by how often you use it. You measure it by what it represents. This grill represents possibility.”

Brennan offered the above comment while standing on his patio in cargo shorts and a “Grill Dad” apron he purchased separately for $28. He added that he plans to “really get into it this summer” and has bookmarked fourteen YouTube videos on brisket preparation, none of which he has watched past the two-minute mark.

His son, Jake, 10, noted that the family has ordered DoorDash on the last six Saturdays in a row. “Dad says grilling is about patience,” Jake said. “I think he means we’re waiting for him to learn how to do it.”

At press time, Brennan had purchased a $65 grill cover he described as “essential for protecting the investment” and a meat thermometer that remains in its packaging.