BIRMINGHAM, AL — Pastor James Okafor, 61, of New Hope Baptist Church, says he initially “panicked for about forty-five minutes” after reading that artificial intelligence can now write sermons, counsel congregants, and manage church budgets, but has since arrived at what he describes as “a deep and abiding confidence in his job security.”

The reason, Okafor explained, is a technique he has developed over his thirty-year career that he refers to simply as “The Look” — a specific combination of direct eye contact, a raised left eyebrow, and a slight forward tilt of the head, deployed exclusively during altar calls.

“Three hundred and forty conversions,” Okafor said, holding up a leather-bound ledger. “I keep count. Every single one of them came after The Look. You show me an AI that can do that and I’ll retire tomorrow.”

“The youth pastor tried using ChatGPT for a sermon last month. It kept suggesting ice-breakers. During Lent.”

Associate Pastor Devon Mills, 34, confirmed the above incident, adding that the AI-generated sermon included a segment titled “Two Truths and a Lie: Resurrection Edition” that he described as “technically accurate but spiritually catastrophic.”

Okafor said he tested several AI tools himself, asking each to replicate The Look via description alone. “One of them generated a stock photo of a man squinting,” he said. “That is not The Look. That is an optometry ad.”

Church secretary Linda Ferris, 57, expressed less confidence about her own position, noting that “the robot already does the bulletin better than I do” and that she has “started updating her resume, just in case.”

At press time, the church’s automated giving platform had sent a follow-up email to first-time donors that three elders independently described as “eerily close to conviction.”